Learning or Yearning ?

I’m not trying to make my blog all about OUR infertility, but this is a pressing subject in my life right now and this is my blog so here it is. I’m getting weak, I take that back. It’s not that im weak, but each WEEK, brings a WEAK emotion, that im learning how to process. This is a matter that more women deal with than not, and I cannot believe how many people I’ve met that have inspired me/ brought hope to my eyes, telling me to “hold on, and my favorite is when they follow with “God knows the desires of your heart.” Because heck yeah he does, and I know that. He’s constantly blowing me away by how AMAZING Matt has been, especially since we really “started trying”.

So here we are only 1 month in to this new prescribed meds, special eating and drinking rules, legs up, be still, oh and BELIEVE…  ( I have followed these new “rules” lightly but still.) But y’all, this is a lot. I’m not going to even hide the fact Im used to these tears coming out as im writing this. Im overwhelmed and constantly reminded of what doesn’t seem to be working.. and I know I know, it’s just one month on these meds, (I have 5 more to go) And I’ve found myself getting slightly bitter.. (anyone who really knows me, knows im not bitter, im positive, sometimes too positive and it is annoying to others) I just want my baby(s). I carried around “Nicholas” my first babydoll until at least the 5th grade.. HA

Most of my motherly nature comes from my phenomenal mother whose voice can instantly calm me down, STILL. And I feel like our 5 pets have been acquired because I love caring for them, loving them, spoiling them, watching them grow!! (I need a baby) lol… But here is the thing im learning, Gods not, not giving me a baby. I believe this is a learning experience, that for some reason I was given. The more I “yearn” the more I “learn” (hints the title) I’m learning patience, which I personally feel I have a lot of. (but what do I know, im not Him)

Ok- guys who are reading this? this might be TMI for you, so if so, maybe let your ladies finish this for you. I’m never on time with my period, actually she’s typically MIA. So with being on meds to cause a “with-drawl bleed” that is the only way to know if I ovulate. Which comes in with the “clomid” to intensify the ovulation process for women who just can’t or need that extra help..

So here’s my scenario that really got to me. I will track my ovulation, (which seemed great while I was testing) I have to take a pg test after that 2 week wait to know If we did it, or if its time to start the meds again, that if I started and was pregnant and didn’t know, could kill my baby… YIKES, alright  So, I (we) go two weeks praying, doing everything I can to not over think this,  to NOT obsess over this idea, NOT driving myself crazy looking for any and all symptoms that could mean BABY, NOT allowing myself to get too excited because when it’s not, Matt and I will be picking these pieces of ourselves off the floor, again..

Its been a mentally taxing week y’all, I mean my goodness I hate waking up with anxiety. And I haven’t in a long bit, but she’s back and with a vengeance. It’s that first thought when you are slightly awake, you are hit with the harsh reality of what has been weighing you down. Google, I know is so over my constant early pregnancy questions.. BUT I am not at all ready to give up, please don’t take these words as that. I’m just frustrated. Writing helps me, im getting it all out. I’m relating to some of you, who id never know because of this, and for that im thankful.

And lastly this new way of life (trying to conceive) has made me see my precious husband in a new and golden light. God literally gave him to me. Because in the last 4 weeks he’s had to show me mercy, compassion, love, strength, promises, and a hand to just hold on to. He has held me while I sob, and sobbed with me while wiping my eyes and knowing what to say at exactly the right time. He hasn’t rolled his eyes at the money I’ve spent on meds, pregnancy tests, ovulation tests, thermometers, books, anything. He’s kissed the tears away when I’ve been worried about what all he must be thinking. And if I’m really worth all this to him, he just proves it like nobodies business that I AM. He’s my best friend. He’s my best friend that is going through this “rough part of life” with me. And I also believe that God is using this as a positive for me to really see the type of man he has given me. Lord knows I don’t deserve him, but Lord knows I NEEDED this man specifically. So thank you Matthew, I love you.

Heres to trying my infertile friends, we got this. I’m praying for you, whoever you are.

xoxo,

LM