Almost two years have passed in our marriage. In the grand scheme of things, that’s nothing. Yet I feel like these past two years have been a mini life time. We’ve acquired deeper love, travels, animals, career changes, and a better grasp on what “marriage” really means. Please do not get me wrong, we fight. I yell, honestly one of the things I work on when I get mad, is not letting my tongue get the best of me… because YALL it always does.. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29
When you fall in love with someone you see a future, pretty fast. I remember in one of our late night, deep talks we talked about a family. We cried, and laughed when we both confessed some of our reasons for wanting to build a family from Him and I. Matt and I both have amazing sets of parents. Both divorced and both sets re-married. But our idea of creating a family that in our prayers and minds will never break was so comforting and real. When you get married so many things happen after that. Truly, I’ve had to learn a lot about myself as I’ve grown into being a wife. And not wanting to speak for Matt, but he has also.
Okay, I’m about to go 0 to 100 on an emotional level (and will be pouring out parts of me that I’m convinced needs to be written to help someone else.) Of course once we got married my mind immediately went to kids. Looking at my precious best friend, I was consumed with the idea of having his babies. I wanted (still want) a mix of him and I. But with his curls, gleaming blue eyes, patient personality, and of course his athletic abilities they definitely won’t get from me! HA – As a naive 21-year-old, new to marriage, new to what it took to have kids I had to learn a few things. I’ve never been “regular” all you ladies reading this get what I mean. I got off birth control shortly after we got married, and guess what. I haven’t had a cycle in literally almost 2 years… (funny actually 2 years from the day before our wedding) And a very big key into getting pregnant is ovulation which I was assuming wasn’t happening.. Which led us to our next step, maybe a doctor’s appointment was necessary. EURIKA I had a thyroid condition which finding that out explained it was all out of whack. This seemed to be the answer on where “uncle George” had gone (my mom had always called it that, haha I don’t know why) After 1 year on these meds other symptoms were fixed.. but not the most important one.
Flash forward a year, I’d let go of feeling crazy about trying for a baby. Matt had been amazing, in wiping my frustrated tears and dealing with my emotions as well as his own. Clearly it wasn’t happening and in order for it to happen I needed to take control of my body and find some answers. I avoided it in 2017, I honestly didn’t want answers, because I was afraid. I was afraid I would get news that would hurt, not only me but Matt. Well as 2018 rolled around I said my “goal” for the year was to figure the mystery on why I wasn’t working down there. The first week in January I had an ultrasound of my thyroid, (last year there was a small mass found, but benign!!) and they just wanted to recheck. Praise the Lord it was even smaller this time and I was like, “hey okay that’s positive!!”
As the positiveness from one Dr filled my mind I proceeded in calling my OBGYN. Reluctantly I made the appointment. Also keep this in mind. I was in a low place about a year and a half ago over this matter. I had to grow in order to let go of things I cannot change at this time. So I am now kinda ripping open the scars before and letting my mind want a baby again. Thinking my thyroid was working properly, my lady Dr was going to fix the other jazz. I saw my Dr and she seemed very reassuring. She was super thorough in my chart, was prescribing me something else to try, and wanted to do a blood panel to rule things out. She seemed to be telling me things I was overjoyed knowing. Being yet again the naive 23-year-old this time I felt like we were getting somewhere. Now I know doctors don’t know everything but I am trusting God is going to use them in my favor.
Maybe I really don’t get how all this works, or I just didn’t want to. But I was banking on her words ” If all keeps going well I don’t see why a family can’t become an option in the next 6 moths.” EEEK we were thrilled, but shortly after I was overcome with fear and all that was un-sure of what that meant. I found myself needing a vice, I needed GOD. I needed Him to guide this process. We can make plans all day long, but He is the Author of our book, and that can be scary, but also relieving.
Zoom in to this past Wednesday. Id gone almost 2 weeks in wrapping my mind around the idea of being able to get pregnant when we wanted. Matt and I were excited, slightly overwhelmed but eager that we were getting somewhere. I’m healthy, maybe a little chunky but I’m active, I just don’t obsess over my body (been there done that). I really wasn’t expecting news that every. single. one. of my blood tests for my hormones to come back not good and no way near okay enough to produce what it took from me to do my part in making a baby. I was devastated, another wall.. I truly haven’t cried so much ever. This is what i was afraid of. This is where we are now, I felt like a was a failure with a broken body. This is going to be hard, there really isn’t a quick or easy fix right now. It hit me hard that I was 100% identified as being an “un-fertile” woman. And a new not so happy journey is going to spin from this , OUR new journey..
Matt, I cannot thank God enough for giving me you. In the last 72 hours, our vows have been put into play multiple times but this one will stay with me. Wednesday night I had finished crying in his arms, again. Feeling every yucky emotion known to man, his teary eyes met mine in the kitchen. He was hurting too, but he wasn’t allowing me to notice that. He was being my rock, and he was being the strongest, most handsome rock I’ve ever needed. Matt and I wrote our own vows to each other. He vowed to me that no matter how old we get, he will always eat pizza in bed with me, watching reruns of Grey’s Anatomy, always. At the time when he read this to me I laughed. I didn’t think it would be in a sad state, how much that single vow would mean.. He got me up off the couch that night, with big tears he said “I really feel like tonight I need to put some vows into action, and those vows means I’m going to get a pizza and we are going to get in bed and watch Grey’s and I’m going to hold you and we are going to get thru this day.”
Of course I knew Matt wasn’t going to be mad at me for my body failing us at this time in our lives. But as a woman I felt like a failure. I couldn’t understand why this is happening, I still don’t. But I know for sure that situations arise for many reasons. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I have the one God designed for me, because God knew this would happen. Whether I had been married or single he knew I would face this. He so graciously gave me someone to help mend these wounds that aren’t going to heal up anytime soon. I have someone who scoops me up, and encourages me to pray and cry out to our God when it’s too much.” Id like to think these could be teaching moments. Moments I see Matt for all he is, not just a roommate who might leave his stuff scattered thru our house. Not just someone who bickers with me when I am to “knit picky” of him. He’s my soul mate. Marriage isn’t just a house, making money, traveling , or who seems to have it all together on social media. I don’t think we will ever “have it all together” But we have each other. And I cannot imagine starting this infertility/ fertility journey with anyone else.
I wanted to get this all out there. I’ve always enjoyed writing, but I also can’t wait to look back at the trials we face now, and rejoice when we’ve had answered prayers. And give insight to someone who needs this read.
Clinging to The Word is all we have, along with each others support. And here we go.
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Lindsey, thank you so much for sharing such a transparent post. I just posted a blog on marriage myself and wanted to share my link with you, but instead this message by Timothy Keller came to mind as I finished reading your blog. I pray your heart is encouraged. – Rinata
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I don’t want to say that I know what yo’re going through because, in a lot of ways I don’t. But in a lot of ways I do too. Nearly 6 years ago my (now) husband and i were engaged and I found out that I could never carry children. I have congenital heart defect and had surgery to fix it. Though the surgery fixed my heart, it is going to prevent me from having children…in fact, both me and the baby could die if I tried to conceive. So I gave my husband an out. I told him that he didn’t have to stay because he didn’t sign on for this. I even gave him the ring back.
But he didn’t leave. He stuck through it, and my whole medical condition, with me. And now we’re looking into adoption. We’ve been together for 10 years, married for almost 4 and every day I’m grateful for him and what he does for me
Good luck in everything and have faith that things will turn out the way they’re supposed to
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