I love this time of year. Even the hustle and bustle of traffic and people swarming in lines to buy their goodies. This year is the 3rd Christmas Matt and I are celebrating together! (woohoo) And its funny because we have changed so much over these few years. Presents this year weren’t really a thing. We share a bank account, we don’t want for anything so why spend un-needed money on “things” just to have something to wrap? We are so incredibly blessed. My idea for our “gift exchange” is to write out all the little things we bring to the table in our relationship and read them aloud, (cheesy I know) But sometimes I feel like we forget that we truly give each other gifts in our marriage everyday. Sometimes we have to choose to give nice ones.. not coal (my occasional bad attitude). Funny what maturing ends up actually looking like.
I love shopping for my nieces and nephews. I know God gave me this chapter in life to be able to spoil them a little more. The clothing they make today for kids absolutely kills me! I always joke when I see kids clothes my baby fever seems to come rearing back to me..Remembering being their ages, and tearing into Christmas gifts with my cousins was so fun; blissful really. Holding up new outfits to my mom and her smiling back telling me what cute shoes I already had that would look awesome with that skirt. (I was definitely fashionista in the making)
Suddenly those days were behind us, and now we are providing for little smiles to light up a room. Walking through stores with kid stuff staring right back at me, is sometimes hard to push-off. Especially this time of year. But when I get overwhelmed thinking about my “what ifs” What if I don’t get to hear our own mini mix of us running down the hall way to a Christmas tree? What if I’ve done something myself to cause this? Will it ever get the gift of motherhood? I stop. I am 23, and full of wandering and time with my precious husband of a best friend that might need to be experienced before we have those little ones following behind us. (woah this just got deep, but this is my blog right? Keep your rain boots handy, it can get deep in here quick.? HA)
I was in the restroom at Sam’s today and there were two women in there with me. One said, “I can’t believe she’s having another baby I have to buy for.” “This is like their 5th one, and she’s pregnant again.” and the other responded “Well lets hope this is it.” I kinda got mad, jealous if you will? I’m over here thankful for having nieces and nephews I can shop for so I can get them the little outfits, and toys I’d love to be buying for our own. Now I’m fully aware we have big plans before settling down, and Gods timing is the best timing. But I’m human, and I love my husband and I want to make him Dad..
Okay, so I am officially putting it out there for the world to know. I am 1 of the 7.3 million women and/or couples who struggle with infertility.. Kinda feels good, to write it out. I feel like it’s some nasty secret. I remember when we got married we heard “When are y’all gonna bust one out” or “Don’t you dare have kids yet, it’s never the same.” I’m not saying we will never get pregnant but it is unclear, and full of many future obstacles.
Christmas has a lot of emotions for me, mostly wonderful but this part can be hard. Thank you for allowing me to share on my (basically wed-devised diary) Needless to say, I hope this is a hug to anyone who might be struggling during the holidays. Whether it is longing for a child or missing buying for a late parent, sibling, or friend. You aren’t alone. Merry almost Chirstmas sweet readers.
-LM
Thoughts from paper in a paperless world 